I found this in my spam folder today:
United Nation Secretary
IN CONJUNCTION WITH FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA
ZENITH BANK COMPENSATION UNIT, IN AFFILIATION WITH THE UNITED NATIONS.
Attention Beneficiary,
Hope all is well with you and family?, you may not understand why this mail came to you today. In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations and the Present United Senates Government to restore the dignity and Economy of the Nations. Base on the Agreement with the World Bank Assistance to help and make the world a better place for all with the sole aim of abolishing poverty.
[yadda yadda]
This funds are in ATM visa card for security purpose ok? So he will send it to you and you can withdraw money in any ATM machine of
Your choice. This meeting was first held on the 8th of April 2003. You can view this page for your perusal:
http://www.un.org/News/Press/docs/2003/ik344.doc.htm Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the ATM visa card to you. Contact Mr. Godwin Emefiele immediately for your ATM visa card with the following information.
1. Full name
2. Phone and Fax number
3. Address were you want them to send the ATM Card to
(P.O Box not acceptable)
4. Your age and current occupation
5. Attach copy of your identification
Person to Contact: Mr. Godwin Emefiele
Office Email: mrgodwinemefiele.bankplc1@gmail.com
Good luck and kind regards,
Making the world a better place
Mr. Ban Ki-Moon Secretary
(UNITED NATIONS).
http://www.un.org/sg/
What I wrote back:
First of all, anyone that thinks that they can pass as an employee of the United Nations with such blatant errors in English grammar and spelling is not going to be very successful at scamming people. Secondly, stating that you are from a legitimate organization as a representative of the NIGERIAN government is not helping your plight at all. Finally, please come up with a better scam email. United_Nation@yahoo.com just doesn't seem to cut it.
I hope my tips help you snag some idiots social security number some day!
Godspeed!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
To Meat or Not To Meat?
Every religion appears to have its ideological divisions. There are the Protestants and the Catholics. The Shiites and the Sunnis. And then the... Vegetarian and Non-Vegetarian Hindus.
For a lot of Hindus, eating meat is a form a rebellion. It is almost like how binge drinking and doing hardcore drugs is to the rest of the world. And when I visit vegetarian relatives, it is guaranteed within a few minutes that I'd be asked point blank if I eat meat or not and if I say yes, they proceed to run to the store to stock up on the various frozen meat entrees as if I'm some animal flesh addict that can't go a day without. Sure I enjoy a chicken leg now and then, or maybe a few nibbles of wings at Hooters. Should that automatically make me a protein feasting whore as well as a raging lesbian to boot?
I love how all these so-called non-veg Hindus brag that they eat meat as if they're really cool or manly or something. They often times proceed to argue that it is important to eat meat for that extra protein in your diet. Last time I've ever heard of anyone in this world - both developing and developed - die of a protein deficiency is well, never. So just admit it like I openly do. You eat it because it tastes good. It's like heroin but legal and comes at a cheaper price for larger portions and its consumption is unnecessary for human survival. End of story. Ok, now time for Turkey.
For a lot of Hindus, eating meat is a form a rebellion. It is almost like how binge drinking and doing hardcore drugs is to the rest of the world. And when I visit vegetarian relatives, it is guaranteed within a few minutes that I'd be asked point blank if I eat meat or not and if I say yes, they proceed to run to the store to stock up on the various frozen meat entrees as if I'm some animal flesh addict that can't go a day without. Sure I enjoy a chicken leg now and then, or maybe a few nibbles of wings at Hooters. Should that automatically make me a protein feasting whore as well as a raging lesbian to boot?
I love how all these so-called non-veg Hindus brag that they eat meat as if they're really cool or manly or something. They often times proceed to argue that it is important to eat meat for that extra protein in your diet. Last time I've ever heard of anyone in this world - both developing and developed - die of a protein deficiency is well, never. So just admit it like I openly do. You eat it because it tastes good. It's like heroin but legal and comes at a cheaper price for larger portions and its consumption is unnecessary for human survival. End of story. Ok, now time for Turkey.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Unemployment Sucks and So Does Your Face
As I was chain-smoking another day of being homeless and unemployed away today, I came across an interesting specimen. She was blonde with highlights, average height, and wearing a long khaki Banana Republic trench coat. Not like I'm the type that recognizes high-end fashion produced by sweatshop labor from afar. I just assumed because every asshole living out here in DC wears Banana Republic.
Anyways, as I proceeded to speak with this office vixen about her job as a "consultant," another shocker because every other idiot walking the streets out here is, the cogs began spinning in my head. There are plenty of overpaid yuppies living in DC and what do yuppies need more than anything else? Overpriced clothes and accessories that are plain, boring, and uninventive. That and bite-sized restaurant food at incredibly high prices, otherwise known as "haute" cuisine. But food is difficult. You can be sued for food poisoning. But then again, you can always blame it on the sushi that the DC yuppie most likely had the night before, the hallmark trait of an gainfully employed person working in this damn city.
So here, I present to you my new clothing store: Avocado Democracy, which will basically be the haven for all those that enjoy purchasing solid-colored shirts and pants. My business plan is to have a 10000% markup of clothes produced by factories in India, thereby maximizing profit and minimizing human dignity. And it'll be exclusive to those that 1. know what an avocado is and 2. can afford to eat avocados. So the branding is built into the name itself! I'd even go as far as to having the motto: "If you can't afford to eat avocados, then get the fuck out of here!" with a big green monster as a mascot saying it at the entrance of every one of my locations. But I'm still debating that part.
Anyhoo, I'm looking for investors. Considering that I have no money, please approach me with a cash sum of some sort and possibly some avocados because I don't want to be a hypocrite.
Anyways, as I proceeded to speak with this office vixen about her job as a "consultant," another shocker because every other idiot walking the streets out here is, the cogs began spinning in my head. There are plenty of overpaid yuppies living in DC and what do yuppies need more than anything else? Overpriced clothes and accessories that are plain, boring, and uninventive. That and bite-sized restaurant food at incredibly high prices, otherwise known as "haute" cuisine. But food is difficult. You can be sued for food poisoning. But then again, you can always blame it on the sushi that the DC yuppie most likely had the night before, the hallmark trait of an gainfully employed person working in this damn city.
So here, I present to you my new clothing store: Avocado Democracy, which will basically be the haven for all those that enjoy purchasing solid-colored shirts and pants. My business plan is to have a 10000% markup of clothes produced by factories in India, thereby maximizing profit and minimizing human dignity. And it'll be exclusive to those that 1. know what an avocado is and 2. can afford to eat avocados. So the branding is built into the name itself! I'd even go as far as to having the motto: "If you can't afford to eat avocados, then get the fuck out of here!" with a big green monster as a mascot saying it at the entrance of every one of my locations. But I'm still debating that part.
Anyhoo, I'm looking for investors. Considering that I have no money, please approach me with a cash sum of some sort and possibly some avocados because I don't want to be a hypocrite.
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