Tuesday, June 28, 2011
ATTENTION, Vegans on Facebook! The food you advertise makes me want to eat meat!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Pooches Over Smooches
Realizing that I've posted sexually-charged entries 3 times in a row this month, I've realized that I'm in desperate need for a distraction. Since this need for distraction has not been fulfilled by a beastly hunky man, I've decided to fill this void with a beast itself.
However, deciding on a dog to take home is a challenge especially in the 21st century. On top of considering breed, temperament, and gender of the dog, I now have to consider coat color, eye color, and size for fashion purposes. I really do not want to pull off a puppy faux pas. That would be a really expensive mistake to make!
I have since boiled everything down to five potential candidates. Here, I will present to you the dog and the look I'd like to pull off with the dog and YOU, my trusty readers can help me decide which one I should commit to for an approximate 10-15, the average lifespan of a lovable pooch.
The Oedipus Rex
Loyal and protective, but prone towards violence close to a blinding rage. Has a regal air about him though not necessarily purebred due to inbreeding.
The Paddington
Dye job not included though recommended as black and white matches with everything. Loveable but dimwitted. Tends to attract children and women that like "cutesy" things so not advisable for straight single keeping-it-real type of women.
The Butch
Extremely slow and lazy. The Butch's aggressive look would tell onlookers that owner means business. Fat so doubles as a sidewalk clearing machine for runners that enjoy personal space.
The Madonna
High maintenance though at first sight does not appear to be so. Curly hairs have dual functionality. Not only aesthetically displeasing but can also work as a mop. Fits easily in purses for portability.
The Anthony Weiner
Douchey yet dignified with a touch of neanderthal-like sexual urges. More useful for males having trouble controlling their boners so can use the dog as a means to cover crotch area while running, eating, walking, working, and sleeping.
However, deciding on a dog to take home is a challenge especially in the 21st century. On top of considering breed, temperament, and gender of the dog, I now have to consider coat color, eye color, and size for fashion purposes. I really do not want to pull off a puppy faux pas. That would be a really expensive mistake to make!
I have since boiled everything down to five potential candidates. Here, I will present to you the dog and the look I'd like to pull off with the dog and YOU, my trusty readers can help me decide which one I should commit to for an approximate 10-15, the average lifespan of a lovable pooch.
The Oedipus Rex
The Paddington
The Butch
The Madonna
The Anthony Weiner
Sex Jokes: The Ultimate First Date Blunder
Men have their fantasies about women's locker rooms so it's no surprise that I have a few myself about the men's. I always pictured men homo-erotically whipping each other with wet towels in between the exchanging of the "newest" quarry of sex jokes. This, I imagine, is not a huge leap from what really happens since sex jokes tend to captivate the male mind easily in addition to not requiring much brain juice to create to begin with.
In fact, all sex jokes are formulated as follows:
1. Pick an everyday setting, such as a hotel lobby or bar.
2. Describe a "hot" woman, preferably one that is realistically unattainable.
3. End with a sexual act.
So a sex joke is basically a dramatic reading version of pornography, masked in comedic undertones so that they can be said in public.
I always thought it was strange that being as funny as I am, I could only return a sex joke with a cold stare back and possibly a shudder. Probably because the endings, the supposed punchlines, are so predictable. Just like porn. Ok, and sex.
In fact, all sex jokes are formulated as follows:
1. Pick an everyday setting, such as a hotel lobby or bar.
2. Describe a "hot" woman, preferably one that is realistically unattainable.
3. End with a sexual act.
So a sex joke is basically a dramatic reading version of pornography, masked in comedic undertones so that they can be said in public.
I always thought it was strange that being as funny as I am, I could only return a sex joke with a cold stare back and possibly a shudder. Probably because the endings, the supposed punchlines, are so predictable. Just like porn. Ok, and sex.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Awkward Family Movie Nights
Once upon a time, movie nights were the holy grail of quality family time. My parents would pop in some damsel-in-distress VHS tape in the player and without the foresight of seeing how Disney was going to ruin their daughter's perception of men for the rest of her life, would have a chance to exchange a little quiet for the brain drain that was 1990s G-rated movies. Nowadays, as a twenty-something, I just wish that I could revert to those good old days when wanting to watch Beauty and the Beast three times in a row and picturing myself transforming some beastly abusive guy into prince charming was the norm.
At first, with a little help with the availability of Hindi films via satellite, I continued to be in the safe zone, aka the Bollywood zone. I'd sing along in foreign tongue with my parents that could never seem to ever get too tired of the inflated romance in every plot line. And that was A-Okay in my book because to my relief, other than the occasional nuzzling between hero and heroine, there is never anything sexually pictured or implied that would want me to go into the other room and tie a noose around my neck.
But now, my parents have decided to sign up for HBO and the experience has been abysmal. At first my tactic was always to "pretend" that I did not know what was happening as two people dry humped in the screen before me. I often did this by blurring my vision a little and starting to count until the scene was over. I find it similar to counting sheep, if you are ever caught in that predicament and would like to try out this technique yourself. Be forewarned that this may permanently damage your vision. (Although this may not be so bad if you never went to sit through something like that again.)
I have since found it necessary to expand upon my arsenal of tactics, and as a result, possibly handling such delicate situations with greater maturity. One of them was to just ask someone to change the channel. The problem with this approach, however, is the fact that by asking for the channel to be changed, you are indirectly acknowledging to your Old World parents that you know what sex is and may even have had a lot of it. I mean, a lot. So I had to modify this technique a little, by saying I'd like the channel changed BECAUSE there was some crappy Grey's Anatomy rerun you want to catch a glimpse of or wanted to know what the latest score of that darn lacrosse game. Genius, I know.
Other than that, my most powerful technique is something I like to call "The Dodge," and is not related to dodgeball in any way. This is when the movie of choice is chosen ahead of time, and is one that I know very well. This way, I can avoid being in the living room when the sexually heightened scenes occur and make it seem like I really did need to use the bathroom or really did need to go into the kitchen to grab a glass of OJ in that very moment Diego Rivera is caught graphically boning his sister-in-law's cunt in Frida or when Kate shows off more than a sapphire pendant to Leo in the Titanic. Double genius, I know.
I need to get this published in some scholarly journal somewhere.
At first, with a little help with the availability of Hindi films via satellite, I continued to be in the safe zone, aka the Bollywood zone. I'd sing along in foreign tongue with my parents that could never seem to ever get too tired of the inflated romance in every plot line. And that was A-Okay in my book because to my relief, other than the occasional nuzzling between hero and heroine, there is never anything sexually pictured or implied that would want me to go into the other room and tie a noose around my neck.
But now, my parents have decided to sign up for HBO and the experience has been abysmal. At first my tactic was always to "pretend" that I did not know what was happening as two people dry humped in the screen before me. I often did this by blurring my vision a little and starting to count until the scene was over. I find it similar to counting sheep, if you are ever caught in that predicament and would like to try out this technique yourself. Be forewarned that this may permanently damage your vision. (Although this may not be so bad if you never went to sit through something like that again.)
I have since found it necessary to expand upon my arsenal of tactics, and as a result, possibly handling such delicate situations with greater maturity. One of them was to just ask someone to change the channel. The problem with this approach, however, is the fact that by asking for the channel to be changed, you are indirectly acknowledging to your Old World parents that you know what sex is and may even have had a lot of it. I mean, a lot. So I had to modify this technique a little, by saying I'd like the channel changed BECAUSE there was some crappy Grey's Anatomy rerun you want to catch a glimpse of or wanted to know what the latest score of that darn lacrosse game. Genius, I know.
Other than that, my most powerful technique is something I like to call "The Dodge," and is not related to dodgeball in any way. This is when the movie of choice is chosen ahead of time, and is one that I know very well. This way, I can avoid being in the living room when the sexually heightened scenes occur and make it seem like I really did need to use the bathroom or really did need to go into the kitchen to grab a glass of OJ in that very moment Diego Rivera is caught graphically boning his sister-in-law's cunt in Frida or when Kate shows off more than a sapphire pendant to Leo in the Titanic. Double genius, I know.
I need to get this published in some scholarly journal somewhere.
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