The Male Species

The male species is an interesting lot of animals, yet quite diverse in nature. After giving the whole dating ritual thing a shot, as well as excavating precious data from other male (or semi-male) friends of mine, I am now teem full of data that allows me to develop a scientific phylogeny based on character, personality, and physical traits. Here, I will share with you what I have so far.

Homo oaf
This type of male, as the name implies, is an oaf. He's lazy, eats often, and enjoys playing video games while eating. While out on dates, he often digresses into conversations about food, particularly fast food and even more specifically, the newest fast food items to hit the market. He will wine and dine you, but once he's got his talons into you, will proceed to strictly only hit up drive-thrus and throw in an extra $1 sundae for you on an anniversary or birthday. And beware, members of this species come in small, medium, and large sizes. And please don't super size it for an extra 25 cents.

Homo yuppie
This type is easily spottable. He'll wear a Cartier watch to go buy groceries in your local yuppie neighborhood. He'll flash his LV wallet when he's paying for toll as he's cruising down the New Jersey turnpike in his leather-interior vehicle. If that's not enough, he'll wear designer jeans to go play baseball and on rare occasions, women's designer jeans. He'd fret at the thought of sullying his freshly manicured hands by allowing them to touch the dirt to pick up said baseball. Often mistaken for just plain homo.

Homo loser
This is the guy that has no game whatsoever, knows it, and still tries. He's the one that tries to get you into bed on a first date by asking you subtly and blushes in the process i.e. "So uhm quick question... like... uhm... what's your favorite position ::blush::." A good response is "you under... a bus". He would then proceed to laugh awkwardly and act as if he was just "joking". Right. On days when I feel gutsy, I'd order an extra meal to-go and walk away with my doggy bag. At least I'd get my nookie!

Homo backwash
This is the guy that uses poor helpless lonely women to make the woman they actually want, usually an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, jealous. He'll take you to events where his ex's will just "happen" to be, grab you so tightly by the arm as you are awkwardly introduced to each other, that you are left with bruises that could be enough cause to file a police report. The minute the other woman walks away, this species tends to instantly lose his smile, want to go home, cry on your shoulder, and then want meaningless sex. It makes you feel like you are sloppy seconds, but then again you are... in spirit.

Homo cannabis
He smokes pot. He talks about pot. He even smells like pot. It is impossible to land a decent job while a dating a guy like this because the contact high alone from his immense pot smoking will prevent you from ever passing a drug test. This type usually does not have any money because he spends it all on pot. He usually does not have a car either because he not only, once again, spends all his money on pot but he is more often than not carrying a license that is suspended due to being caught in the possession of pot. Relationships involving these types of males usually end wherein the ultimatum is presented "It's either me or marijuana," and he sadly chooses... the marijuana.