As I've reached the gates of hell better known as the late 20s, for a brief period of time I grew concerned that I may not ever find someone to share my life with. I repeat, share. Not a man to service by birthing their planted seed from my loins, cooking their favorite accoutrements, or cleaning their soiled underpants and other items of that nature. Share. Unfortunately, I've been facing the truth, which is that most men are idiots and it doesn't get better with age as I had expected while I patiently waited all these years.
It is not only the use of telephone this day in age that quells this hope of mine. There is instant messaging, text messaging, social networking websites, and video chatting applications to worry about, additional avenues by which men can conveniently show me that they are not the right person for me and I must abstain from social interaction with them immediately. Not only that. It makes me wince in actual physical pain when I have to deal with these inevitable failings.
Instead of indicating a potential love interest as something more serious by taking the leap of calling them some cutesy nickname such as "sweety" vis-a-vis, they resort to hiding behind a computer screen or cell phone keypad when doing it for the first time. Don't get me wrong. Being called some crappy pet name too soon makes me cringe in horror no matter how you cut the cheese. But in the case of doing it in person, I can retort with some wonderful comeback as "Woaaa slow down there Cowboy. I'm not ready to let you mount this pony quite yet" and create a lighthearted environment from which I can quickly and seamlessly escape.
The same goes for those strange, unhindered text messages I receive the morning after having a date that followed standard protocol, that in turn send me in mourning. "I was tempted to do stuff with you last night" or some permutation of the statement usually glows from the screen. I'm often perplexed as to whether this is an attempt to be flirtatious, crude, or somewhere in between. But who the hell am I fooling. 50% flirtatious or 50% crude may it be, but 100% disgusting it is.
Worse yet though is when the message does not follow the standard rules of the English language. "Last nite wuz amuzingggg babes!" I do grant some leniency when the said person claims English as a second or third language. But if that's the case that why not choose a word indicating your positive mood that you can actually spell. "Great" would do just fine. "Last night was great." PERIOD. No "babes". No. No. NO.
So a word of advice to all you guys out there who have shown a poor track record in indicating your interest to a girl. Just don't do it. Stick to the telephone.
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