Operation: Extreme Couponing

In an attempt to reintroduce excitement into my miserable life, I decided to take up extreme couponing after seeing a mother/daughter team snag $1000 worth of groceries for $10 on TV. As I watched how they unloaded the groceries and rationed out their 50 cans of mercury-laden tuna into their rented storage facility, I pictured myself swimming in a bank-vault full of laundry detergent and Spaghetti-Os just like in one of the opening scenes of Duck Tales. This was exactly what America stands for, I thought. Along the lines of those competitive eaters that shove enough food that could feed a small country in under a minute, extreme couponing was my chance to make my mark on the image of Americans as fat ugly people that drown themselves in extravagant excess just because they can.

I thought that most appropriate clothing for such an outing were my gym clothes. However, even in my sneakers and gym shorts, I felt somewhat unprepared. That is when it dawned on me. I needed a sidekick,a real-life version of Robin that could pick of the slack while I stand and pose all pretty when the reporters are called to bear witness to me paying $10 for $10,000 of useless groceries, an event that even an act of God would have to contend with. Naturally, I chose my lovely mother. This is how she looks and this is me doing the stunner next to her:



It took a little convincing but she finally said yes. I stowed away what I calculated to be $1000 worth of coupons that took all day to collect and we headed to the nearest grocery store. Once we entered the facility, we went to town. Grabbing everything from the shelves that I had a discount for. I'm talking adult diapers and lard and KY jelly. Whatever it was, I chose not to discriminate. I just wanted that damn dollar off. I began foaming on the side of my mouth by the end.

When we finished checking out and endured the strange stares of fellow customers, the total was shown to be $500. Not quite the $10,000 that I had dreamed of, but we were still extreme coupon virgins. We knew that it would take at least a little practice to break the world record. Guessing that I'd at least walk away with paying just $50, I then proudly went into my purse and presented my thick packet of coupons to the cashier.

"Uhm.... we don't take manufacturer's coupons. Sorry."

Operation: Extreme Coupon abort. I guess this was the world's way of telling me that my calling is not to use coupons to achieve deeply discounted prices for everyday useless products.