I Suck

After seeing a major decline in readership since my blog posts have gone on dark jaunts into a world of negativity, I have finally decided to draw my "I hate the world" campaign of 2011 to a close and return to the self-deprecating humor that I am best known for.

So lately I've been looking in the mirror and wondering why I am only attractive to middle-aged to elderly white men. Ok, I'm not fugly, frumpy, or fat. So what is the deal? Ok, well my hair needs some serious work, but I always thought my wild and untempered locks to be my signature look. Perhaps my nose is a bit, well out there. My skin could be lighter. Hmmmmm...

It never occurred to me that it could be, well, my personality. I know what you are going to say, but you can stop right there. If you call me aggressive or intimidating, you can go ahead and bitch slap yourself right now. The only time I bring out fists of fury are on the following occasions, listed in order of importance:

1. When you are a douche bag guy that thinks he's hot shit for having gone to some lower tier professional school, all the while bragging for never having done the required reading, that does nothing but bang dumb pussy and brags about it;
2. If you are a scum bag intolerant that has taken a liking to saying dumb, uninformed, judgmental racial/religious epithets about other people based solely on appearance;
3. Crossing paths with one of those leeches of society that complains about the cost of life's necessities (rent, food, water, heat) and makes the state foot their exorbitant medical bills because they whine that they cannot afford medical insurance yet they walk around with an iphone, own several video gaming systems with a vast collection of games, and subscribe to a premium cable service.

I feel like the Robin Hood of Morality, Justice, and Whatever Else You Want To Call It whenever I dish out the haterade in these rare but real occasions. I live life with no regrets.

Filled with all this rage, when I signed up for a free online dating site recently, I seriously thought the men on it would read what I have to say and be like "wow, this woman has SPARK! Wabaaaaaam!" They'd magically be turned into some handsome, princely man of a man that'll want to take me out to such upscale restaurants like Portland City Grill or Ruth's Chris. They'd drool over the bilious comments I have to say about the evil in this world while spooning me tiny crumbs of creme brulee and requesting moist dish towels to rub on my head to bring down the redness that my anger often causes. They would... worship me.

But, nothing. Not even a single taker. "What the hell is wrong with ME!?" I thought. Then I took the site's personality quiz and saw the displeasing results:

... I'm boring. I apparently have the personality of a dimwitted spinster that likes to stay-in to darn socks and pray to the Lord Buddha in between taking naps. I'm saddened by this sudden discovery.

All this time, I thought that I was such an exciting, fun, creative, sexual creature. This goes to show that how we view ourselves is not exactly how the world perceives us. Oh well, fuck the world and fuck my life.