Though I strongly believe in the scientific method, I am also quick to admit that science does not solve our everyday problems. We are all human after all, and unlike plants, we often need more than the simple combination of water, sunlight, and basic nutrients to bask in a beautiful life. And I guess it is part of the journey of life to set out into the world and discover what makes us truly happy.
However, I find that there is one thing that gets in the way of my happiness: New Agers and their self-righteous unsubstantiated claims. It is as if they took the Robert Frost poem a tad too seriously, resulting in them not only (what they perceive to be) taking the road less taken but also taking the occasional pit stop to shit on the adjacent sidewalk before they continue on their journey.
1. Bikram Yoga
If 50 years ago you asked an Indian relative of a Hindu friend if they knew what yoga is, the answer would be a resounding no. That is because for the most part it is an American invention that only pays homage to its Hindu roots as a means to market the practice as "mystical," instantly becoming more appealing to well-off housewives and horny males.
Then there is Bikram yoga, what is probably now a multimillion dollar industry for its "inventor," Bikram Choudhury. I imagine this man, who is nothing less than a genius, saw how much the yoga industry was taking off amongst middle and upper class Americans and thought he could juice a couple more bucks out of them in order to pay for his lavish Beverly Hills lifestyle by claiming that greater benefits can be reaped from yoga if done in a steaming hot room.
Even though the only thing that I'm willing to do in a steaming hot room is not exactly a group activity, I thought I would give Bikram yoga a try and my experience has been nothing short of what I would imagine it was like being a Jew during the World War II era. I was told lies to curry my trust (and money) such as that the 105 Fahrenheit heat and 40% humidity was necessary to sweat "toxins" out of the body. I was then locked inside a stinky yoga room amongst hippies that did not believe in deodorant. Towards the close of the session, my throat parched from the heat, my nose abused by the human stench, and my face sullen from the nausea, I was barely lucid until I heard that teacher declare that Bikram yoga "will reverse your diabetes, arthritis, and cancer if done everyday. It will save your life."
Though a few minutes away from needing oral rehydration therapy from an emergency response team, I nearly wet my pants hearing this. If Bikram yoga were such a cure-all, why hasn't it helped Mr. Choudhury with his male patterned baldness or that crooked smile that makes him look like a hungry pedophile?
Instead of attacking this woman's lord and savior, I decided to heed the advice of another famous Indian and decided to write this blog entry instead.
2. Vegetarianism/Veganism
Growing up in a vegetarian household was not a big deal. When at restaurants or eating at other people's homes, we always respectfully asked if a certain dish contained meat and if it did, we quietly moved on to other options for our dining pleasure. But now that vegetarianism/veganism has become a mainstream hit, I come across all types of belligerent vegetarians that exhibit verbal barbarism equivalent to that of lion roaring after feasting on a gazelle.
While some vegetarians express their disdain for the meat industry in a calm and calculated manner, others go all out on the obnoxious meter by deciding to call meat "animal flesh". The motive behind the use of this phrase is up for debate, but I suspect it is used to not only evoke guilt on a person that enjoys dining on a chicken leg once in a while, but also to make these types of vegetarians themselves feel as if they have chosen to be on some higher moral plane by putting an animal face to that piece of steak you're nibbling on. I find that more often than not, these types of vegetarians are usually the social outcast type people that have only had success in befriending animals as opposed to human social equivalents.
Then there is that variety of vegetarian that thinks their dietary preference makes them cool and avant-garde when in reality vegetarianism has been practiced in certain parts of the world as early as man. Failing to acknowledge this, they use their newfound feeling of uniqueness as an excuse to give death stares to others dining on meat dishes at local restaurants and worse yet, picket in front of steakhouses that would even give anti-abortionists a run for their money.
In the end, just like the Thighmaster and Ronco Food Dehydrator, Vegetarianism will soon fall out of fashion and all these former vegetarians will find some other idiosyncratically American lifestyle choice to bitch about.
3. Feminism
Feminism was once a great idea. Its principles were based on the idea that women too have the intelligence and skills to contribute to society in a meaningful way. At what point this simple and honest concept evolved in this nasty beast of a belief that all woman must yoke their men tight enough to send them bucking and baying is as big of a mystery as the bermuda triangle.
Extreme feminists have this strange notion that feeling sexy is a sin. So apart from not shaving their own legs or refusing to pluck that hideous mustache, they go around looking down on other women that like to dab on some lipstick or god forbid, run a comb through their hair once in a while. I'm sorry. Unless under that rare circumstance thatI miraculously choose to become a butch one sunny morning, I will be doing all those things because it makes me feel pretty and well, like a woman as god had intended.
Furthermore, these types of feminists look down on any woman that has even the slightest interest in an activity that has a mild association to house and hearth. As if baking a dozen cookies for a sick friend or learning how to decorate cakes is that damaging to that huge plight of women seeking an opportunity to enter the Marines. Or that I clean and cook because somewhere between birth and adulthood, society brainwashed me into believing that this was my "matronly" duty. Bitch puhleez. I love to bake. Get over it.
4. Natural Medicine
I once had a roommate that was hit by a car while bicycling and suffered from a soar shoulder as a result. Then she bitched about how her insurance refused to pay for the series of chiropractor visits and a couple of referral acupuncture treatments.
I'm not one to judge a person's choice in seeking out medical attention for an existing problem. However, at what point does one decide that instead of maybe going to like an emergency room or urgent care facility that it may be the better choice to see a person that got his degree in a strip mall and sells mattresses on the weekends? Especially since after the first 5 visits costing $200 a pop has not provided any sort of improvement in the pain or range of motion in the area in question?
When asked about the reasoning behind her choice, she replied: "Because hospitals are profit-making machines and doctors don't care anymore." I'm sure your chiropractor and his acupuncturist friend were contemplating the same thing when they carpooled and laughed all the way to the bank together.
5. Volunteer Tourism
There was the early history imperialism and now there is modern imperialism hidden under the veil of "volunteer tourism." The volunteer tourism websites I've visited boast some interesting accomplishments - everything from helping young children learn English in urban centers to building schools for deprived rural children in a beautiful lush countryside.
Volunteers for these programs self-righteously believe that their vacation money is making some type of improvement in an unfortunate person's life, as if any progress can be empirically made on an English-learner within 2 weeks of instruction or that doing construction work someplace will help people when in fact it is stealing jobs from local workers that could have been paid significant money for doing the same work. What's worse, by doing all this work you - the American - are still nonverbally expressing to the locals that YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEM when in reality this is not the case.
There is a lot that us asshole Americans can learn from those living in developing countries. In fact, instead of paying for your little volunteer vacation, why not pay for a Peruvian or a Sri Lankan to come visit a major American city to teach us a thing or two about the sense of community and caring for family and friends those in developing countries have. I'm sure those people would be first to say that they do not dump their elderly relatives in some shanty of a retirement home to live out their final years. And I'm sure these poor people would also go home with their own stories of culture shock, such as how a co-worker couldn't even share a little dip off her appetizer plate at a company Christmas party.
But I guess if you are ignorant enough, as the old adage goes: if the shoe fits then donate it.
