Pooches Over Smooches

Realizing that I've posted sexually-charged entries 3 times in a row this month, I've realized that I'm in desperate need for a distraction. Since this need for distraction has not been fulfilled by a beastly hunky man, I've decided to fill this void with a beast itself.

However, deciding on a dog to take home is a challenge especially in the 21st century. On top of considering breed, temperament, and gender of the dog, I now have to consider coat color, eye color, and size for fashion purposes. I really do not want to pull off a puppy faux pas. That would be a really expensive mistake to make!

I have since boiled everything down to five potential candidates. Here, I will present to you the dog and the look I'd like to pull off with the dog and YOU, my trusty readers can help me decide which one I should commit to for an approximate 10-15, the average lifespan of a lovable pooch.

The Oedipus Rex

Loyal and protective, but prone towards violence close to a blinding rage. Has a regal air about him though not necessarily purebred due to inbreeding.

The Paddington

Dye job not included though recommended as black and white matches with everything. Loveable but dimwitted. Tends to attract children and women that like "cutesy" things so not advisable for straight single keeping-it-real type of women.

The Butch

Extremely slow and lazy. The Butch's aggressive look would tell onlookers that owner means business. Fat so doubles as a sidewalk clearing machine for runners that enjoy personal space.

The Madonna

High maintenance though at first sight does not appear to be so. Curly hairs have dual functionality. Not only aesthetically displeasing but can also work as a mop. Fits easily in purses for portability.

The Anthony Weiner

Douchey yet dignified with a touch of neanderthal-like sexual urges. More useful for males having trouble controlling their boners so can use the dog as a means to cover crotch area while running, eating, walking, working, and sleeping.