As I've reached the gates of hell better known as the late 20s, for a brief period of time I grew concerned that I may not ever find someone to share my life with. I repeat, share. Not a man to service by birthing their planted seed from my loins, cooking their favorite accoutrements, or cleaning their soiled underpants and other items of that nature. Share. Unfortunately, I've been facing the truth, which is that most men are idiots and it doesn't get better with age as I had expected while I patiently waited all these years.
It is not only the use of telephone this day in age that quells this hope of mine. There is instant messaging, text messaging, social networking websites, and video chatting applications to worry about, additional avenues by which men can conveniently show me that they are not the right person for me and I must abstain from social interaction with them immediately. Not only that. It makes me wince in actual physical pain when I have to deal with these inevitable failings.
Instead of indicating a potential love interest as something more serious by taking the leap of calling them some cutesy nickname such as "sweety" vis-a-vis, they resort to hiding behind a computer screen or cell phone keypad when doing it for the first time. Don't get me wrong. Being called some crappy pet name too soon makes me cringe in horror no matter how you cut the cheese. But in the case of doing it in person, I can retort with some wonderful comeback as "Woaaa slow down there Cowboy. I'm not ready to let you mount this pony quite yet" and create a lighthearted environment from which I can quickly and seamlessly escape.
The same goes for those strange, unhindered text messages I receive the morning after having a date that followed standard protocol, that in turn send me in mourning. "I was tempted to do stuff with you last night" or some permutation of the statement usually glows from the screen. I'm often perplexed as to whether this is an attempt to be flirtatious, crude, or somewhere in between. But who the hell am I fooling. 50% flirtatious or 50% crude may it be, but 100% disgusting it is.
Worse yet though is when the message does not follow the standard rules of the English language. "Last nite wuz amuzingggg babes!" I do grant some leniency when the said person claims English as a second or third language. But if that's the case that why not choose a word indicating your positive mood that you can actually spell. "Great" would do just fine. "Last night was great." PERIOD. No "babes". No. No. NO.
So a word of advice to all you guys out there who have shown a poor track record in indicating your interest to a girl. Just don't do it. Stick to the telephone.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Nigerian Scam Artists
I found this in my spam folder today:
United Nation Secretary
IN CONJUNCTION WITH FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA
ZENITH BANK COMPENSATION UNIT, IN AFFILIATION WITH THE UNITED NATIONS.
Attention Beneficiary,
Hope all is well with you and family?, you may not understand why this mail came to you today. In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations and the Present United Senates Government to restore the dignity and Economy of the Nations. Base on the Agreement with the World Bank Assistance to help and make the world a better place for all with the sole aim of abolishing poverty.
[yadda yadda]
This funds are in ATM visa card for security purpose ok? So he will send it to you and you can withdraw money in any ATM machine of
Your choice. This meeting was first held on the 8th of April 2003. You can view this page for your perusal:
http://www.un.org/News/Press/docs/2003/ik344.doc.htm Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the ATM visa card to you. Contact Mr. Godwin Emefiele immediately for your ATM visa card with the following information.
1. Full name
2. Phone and Fax number
3. Address were you want them to send the ATM Card to
(P.O Box not acceptable)
4. Your age and current occupation
5. Attach copy of your identification
Person to Contact: Mr. Godwin Emefiele
Office Email: mrgodwinemefiele.bankplc1@gmail.com
Good luck and kind regards,
Making the world a better place
Mr. Ban Ki-Moon Secretary
(UNITED NATIONS).
http://www.un.org/sg/
What I wrote back:
First of all, anyone that thinks that they can pass as an employee of the United Nations with such blatant errors in English grammar and spelling is not going to be very successful at scamming people. Secondly, stating that you are from a legitimate organization as a representative of the NIGERIAN government is not helping your plight at all. Finally, please come up with a better scam email. United_Nation@yahoo.com just doesn't seem to cut it.
I hope my tips help you snag some idiots social security number some day!
Godspeed!
United Nation Secretary
IN CONJUNCTION WITH FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA
ZENITH BANK COMPENSATION UNIT, IN AFFILIATION WITH THE UNITED NATIONS.
Attention Beneficiary,
Hope all is well with you and family?, you may not understand why this mail came to you today. In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations and the Present United Senates Government to restore the dignity and Economy of the Nations. Base on the Agreement with the World Bank Assistance to help and make the world a better place for all with the sole aim of abolishing poverty.
[yadda yadda]
This funds are in ATM visa card for security purpose ok? So he will send it to you and you can withdraw money in any ATM machine of
Your choice. This meeting was first held on the 8th of April 2003. You can view this page for your perusal:
http://www.un.org/News/Press/docs/2003/ik344.doc.htm Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the ATM visa card to you. Contact Mr. Godwin Emefiele immediately for your ATM visa card with the following information.
1. Full name
2. Phone and Fax number
3. Address were you want them to send the ATM Card to
(P.O Box not acceptable)
4. Your age and current occupation
5. Attach copy of your identification
Person to Contact: Mr. Godwin Emefiele
Office Email: mrgodwinemefiele.bankplc1@gmail.com
Good luck and kind regards,
Making the world a better place
Mr. Ban Ki-Moon Secretary
(UNITED NATIONS).
http://www.un.org/sg/
What I wrote back:
First of all, anyone that thinks that they can pass as an employee of the United Nations with such blatant errors in English grammar and spelling is not going to be very successful at scamming people. Secondly, stating that you are from a legitimate organization as a representative of the NIGERIAN government is not helping your plight at all. Finally, please come up with a better scam email. United_Nation@yahoo.com just doesn't seem to cut it.
I hope my tips help you snag some idiots social security number some day!
Godspeed!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
To Meat or Not To Meat?
Every religion appears to have its ideological divisions. There are the Protestants and the Catholics. The Shiites and the Sunnis. And then the... Vegetarian and Non-Vegetarian Hindus.
For a lot of Hindus, eating meat is a form a rebellion. It is almost like how binge drinking and doing hardcore drugs is to the rest of the world. And when I visit vegetarian relatives, it is guaranteed within a few minutes that I'd be asked point blank if I eat meat or not and if I say yes, they proceed to run to the store to stock up on the various frozen meat entrees as if I'm some animal flesh addict that can't go a day without. Sure I enjoy a chicken leg now and then, or maybe a few nibbles of wings at Hooters. Should that automatically make me a protein feasting whore as well as a raging lesbian to boot?
I love how all these so-called non-veg Hindus brag that they eat meat as if they're really cool or manly or something. They often times proceed to argue that it is important to eat meat for that extra protein in your diet. Last time I've ever heard of anyone in this world - both developing and developed - die of a protein deficiency is well, never. So just admit it like I openly do. You eat it because it tastes good. It's like heroin but legal and comes at a cheaper price for larger portions and its consumption is unnecessary for human survival. End of story. Ok, now time for Turkey.
For a lot of Hindus, eating meat is a form a rebellion. It is almost like how binge drinking and doing hardcore drugs is to the rest of the world. And when I visit vegetarian relatives, it is guaranteed within a few minutes that I'd be asked point blank if I eat meat or not and if I say yes, they proceed to run to the store to stock up on the various frozen meat entrees as if I'm some animal flesh addict that can't go a day without. Sure I enjoy a chicken leg now and then, or maybe a few nibbles of wings at Hooters. Should that automatically make me a protein feasting whore as well as a raging lesbian to boot?
I love how all these so-called non-veg Hindus brag that they eat meat as if they're really cool or manly or something. They often times proceed to argue that it is important to eat meat for that extra protein in your diet. Last time I've ever heard of anyone in this world - both developing and developed - die of a protein deficiency is well, never. So just admit it like I openly do. You eat it because it tastes good. It's like heroin but legal and comes at a cheaper price for larger portions and its consumption is unnecessary for human survival. End of story. Ok, now time for Turkey.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Unemployment Sucks and So Does Your Face
As I was chain-smoking another day of being homeless and unemployed away today, I came across an interesting specimen. She was blonde with highlights, average height, and wearing a long khaki Banana Republic trench coat. Not like I'm the type that recognizes high-end fashion produced by sweatshop labor from afar. I just assumed because every asshole living out here in DC wears Banana Republic.
Anyways, as I proceeded to speak with this office vixen about her job as a "consultant," another shocker because every other idiot walking the streets out here is, the cogs began spinning in my head. There are plenty of overpaid yuppies living in DC and what do yuppies need more than anything else? Overpriced clothes and accessories that are plain, boring, and uninventive. That and bite-sized restaurant food at incredibly high prices, otherwise known as "haute" cuisine. But food is difficult. You can be sued for food poisoning. But then again, you can always blame it on the sushi that the DC yuppie most likely had the night before, the hallmark trait of an gainfully employed person working in this damn city.
So here, I present to you my new clothing store: Avocado Democracy, which will basically be the haven for all those that enjoy purchasing solid-colored shirts and pants. My business plan is to have a 10000% markup of clothes produced by factories in India, thereby maximizing profit and minimizing human dignity. And it'll be exclusive to those that 1. know what an avocado is and 2. can afford to eat avocados. So the branding is built into the name itself! I'd even go as far as to having the motto: "If you can't afford to eat avocados, then get the fuck out of here!" with a big green monster as a mascot saying it at the entrance of every one of my locations. But I'm still debating that part.
Anyhoo, I'm looking for investors. Considering that I have no money, please approach me with a cash sum of some sort and possibly some avocados because I don't want to be a hypocrite.
Anyways, as I proceeded to speak with this office vixen about her job as a "consultant," another shocker because every other idiot walking the streets out here is, the cogs began spinning in my head. There are plenty of overpaid yuppies living in DC and what do yuppies need more than anything else? Overpriced clothes and accessories that are plain, boring, and uninventive. That and bite-sized restaurant food at incredibly high prices, otherwise known as "haute" cuisine. But food is difficult. You can be sued for food poisoning. But then again, you can always blame it on the sushi that the DC yuppie most likely had the night before, the hallmark trait of an gainfully employed person working in this damn city.
So here, I present to you my new clothing store: Avocado Democracy, which will basically be the haven for all those that enjoy purchasing solid-colored shirts and pants. My business plan is to have a 10000% markup of clothes produced by factories in India, thereby maximizing profit and minimizing human dignity. And it'll be exclusive to those that 1. know what an avocado is and 2. can afford to eat avocados. So the branding is built into the name itself! I'd even go as far as to having the motto: "If you can't afford to eat avocados, then get the fuck out of here!" with a big green monster as a mascot saying it at the entrance of every one of my locations. But I'm still debating that part.
Anyhoo, I'm looking for investors. Considering that I have no money, please approach me with a cash sum of some sort and possibly some avocados because I don't want to be a hypocrite.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Modern Day Imperialism
I came across this ad today.
I immediately suspected it was for some carcinogenic-laden triple-powered skin bleaching treatment combined with methylene blue injections to the irises of the eyes.
I then proceeded to ignore the ad.
I immediately suspected it was for some carcinogenic-laden triple-powered skin bleaching treatment combined with methylene blue injections to the irises of the eyes.
I then proceeded to ignore the ad.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Easy, No Bullshit Tactics To Safeguard Your Heart
Oh so you met someone. Possibly on a plane or even barside. You hit it off and talk for endless hours. That infamous "spark" never seems to dissipate and feeds that burning hope inside that he might be the next target for your cupid's arrow. But if the world of dating were just that straightforward. That kind gesture of letting you wear his coat when you were chilly may not been kind after all. Maybe he was finding a tactful way of brushing up against your boobs to assay their net worth in gold, trying to estimate if they are worth the investment of a couple more drinks to be able to see them bare that night. Or he pulled out that chair for you to see the spread size of your backside while you were sitting down, wondering if he should offer to buy you dessert so he'd have something more to grab later down the line. That's right you assholes. I know what tricks you are up to and i have come up some tricks of my own tucked away in my bra cups to fire back at those blank bullets.
Tip #1: Never program his number into your phone. Never.
He may be nice at first, but you never know when he will inevitably turn into an inconsiderate asshole. It may be a week from now, months, or hell, even after 10 years of marriage. But when you know it is all over, do you really want to sit around wondering what went wrong and fighting the urge to call him for god knows how long. So unless he's your husband AND your emergency contact on your health forms, don't even bother trying to memorize his number or keeping it handy. Let him do all the calling and when YOU are done with him you can stop picking up his phone calls.
Tip #2: If he doesn't want to make plans with you for the weekend, go ahead and let the other guy take you out instead.
I cannot stress the importance of maintaining a quarry of single men in your life. Because lets face it. All men are practically the same. In the end, they will fail at something or another when it comes to women. This way, you will always have a fresh guy to turn to after you have become bored with the previous one. And since you never had the first guy's number anyways, why even try rescuing something that wasn't even worth saving?
Tip #3: Keep men that you have hooked up with too soon in purgatory.
Ok, so we've all been there at one degree or another. Never let these guys out of the darkness. Keep them at a distance from your life and make sure you shut the door very tightly after you are done with whatever your agenda was with them. Just admit to yourself that these guys cared about you only because you were giving something to them in return. It was a give-and-take relationship as if he were buying a set of melons at the grocery store. Which isn't a bad thing because melons are tasty, but they also spoil very quickly.
Anyways thats it. Follow these tips and you will probably never experience heartache and stay fabulously single for the rest of your living days.
Tip #1: Never program his number into your phone. Never.
He may be nice at first, but you never know when he will inevitably turn into an inconsiderate asshole. It may be a week from now, months, or hell, even after 10 years of marriage. But when you know it is all over, do you really want to sit around wondering what went wrong and fighting the urge to call him for god knows how long. So unless he's your husband AND your emergency contact on your health forms, don't even bother trying to memorize his number or keeping it handy. Let him do all the calling and when YOU are done with him you can stop picking up his phone calls.
Tip #2: If he doesn't want to make plans with you for the weekend, go ahead and let the other guy take you out instead.
I cannot stress the importance of maintaining a quarry of single men in your life. Because lets face it. All men are practically the same. In the end, they will fail at something or another when it comes to women. This way, you will always have a fresh guy to turn to after you have become bored with the previous one. And since you never had the first guy's number anyways, why even try rescuing something that wasn't even worth saving?
Tip #3: Keep men that you have hooked up with too soon in purgatory.
Ok, so we've all been there at one degree or another. Never let these guys out of the darkness. Keep them at a distance from your life and make sure you shut the door very tightly after you are done with whatever your agenda was with them. Just admit to yourself that these guys cared about you only because you were giving something to them in return. It was a give-and-take relationship as if he were buying a set of melons at the grocery store. Which isn't a bad thing because melons are tasty, but they also spoil very quickly.
Anyways thats it. Follow these tips and you will probably never experience heartache and stay fabulously single for the rest of your living days.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
DSM: Desi-itis
Desi-itis, not to be mistaken for Arnaz mania, is condition inflicted upon South Asian progenitors of children. The characteristics of this disorder are fraught with hypocrisy, double standards, and social biases towards caste, religion, and race. If you believe that you or a loved one is suffering from this disorder, the results of this quiz will once and for all confirm that you are insane as always suspected.
Question #1
You have lived away from home for over 5 years and in addition to taking an overload of graduate school classes, you have a part time job, leaving you with very little spare time for phone conversations. Your progenitors call you to say hello in the middle of class and you are unable to pick up. Do they:
A. Leave a nice voice message and equipped with the knowledge that you are incredibly busy, know that you will call once you have a free block of time?
B. Make 3-5 additional phone calls to you, getting you to frantically search for your phone in your backpack since you forgot to put your phone on silent that day and the class is beginning to get weirded out by your "Sexy Lady" ringtone?
C. Make 10-15 additional phone calls within a 1 hour block of time, leaving the same exact voicemail every time, resulting in a full voicemail box that keeps potential employers from leaving messages about interviews?
Question #2
After having no luck in the job market post-2007, you decide to go to graduate school as a way to make positive use of your free time while awaiting for the job market to improve. You figure, at least meanwhile you are improving your credentials and increasing your earning power down the line. Do your progenitors:
A. Applaud you for sacrificing immediate gratification of having a small income from a full-time job in an industry in which you had never intended to enter such as fast foods or retail for a greater, more financially stable and intellectually challenging career in the future?
B. Wonder why you aren't an accountant like cousin Raj even though you majored in the sciences?
C. Have no idea what graduate school is, the challenges it presents, and doors that it will open for you, but are still nagging you about focusing on career and a positive financial future. When you remind them of what you are doing, they will immediately forget all the details, including the name and location of your graduate school, and the nagging returns by the beginning of the following day?
Question #3
You casually mention to your parents that you are now lactose intolerant in passing one day. Nothing more is said about it, until months later, you go on a last minute trip to visit family across the country. Do they:
A. Wish you a safe trip and to come back home with a refreshed spirit to tackle the upcoming school year with full force?
B. Wonder why you chose to spend your free time with anybody else other than them even though you had just visited them for a week two months prior?
C. Accuse you of being completely irresponsible and having no direction in life and to add insult to injury, bombard you with inquiries of what you've been eating while you were away from home since "they worry" that you are lactose intolerant?
Question #4
After going through three stressful months of nothing but work, school, and sleep, you get an invitation to an anniversary party out of town thrown by a friend who you met while traveling overseas. After arranging transportation, you inform your progenitors out of sheer courtesy that you will be out of town for a friends anniversary celebration. Do your progenitors:
A. Say thanks for letting them know and ask you to pass on a congratulations to the hostess?
B. Worry that these supposed friends are bad influences, and try to convince you not to go?
C. Begin calling your phone incessantly, demand that you tell them the first and last names of everyone you will know there, the address at which you will be staying, and a detailed description of how you know these people and for how long. They spend the rest of the weekend staying up at night because they are upset that they haven't met this friend and therefore have no basis of passing judgment on them?
Question #5
You are called by your progenitors on Friday evening to see how you are doing. You inform them that you are at home knitting a pair of socks and watching TV as usual and plan on going to sleep by 10pm because you have to work and go to school early the next morning. They then call you on a Saturday night and you inform that you are the gym as you usually are those nights. Do they:
A. Beg you to go to a bar and have a beer to take the edge off and to also pull the dildo out of your ass?
B. Applaud you for leading a very low key life in order to focus on things they find are the most important?
C. Are extremely happy to see that your focus has been purely on school and a job you hate to boot and reward you by offering to let you fly home for a weekend to spend time with them?
Results:
Mostly As:
Hold off on the Fair and Lovely, your parents are most likely white. These types of parents encourage their children to have a well-rounded life and see them through with any challenges their children are facing.
Mostly Bs:
Your parents are most likely desi. They are overbearing and critical idiosyncratic of most desis, but in a way that is largely ignorable and/or forgettable.
Mostly Cs:
Desi-itis. See a mental health professional.
Question #1
You have lived away from home for over 5 years and in addition to taking an overload of graduate school classes, you have a part time job, leaving you with very little spare time for phone conversations. Your progenitors call you to say hello in the middle of class and you are unable to pick up. Do they:
A. Leave a nice voice message and equipped with the knowledge that you are incredibly busy, know that you will call once you have a free block of time?
B. Make 3-5 additional phone calls to you, getting you to frantically search for your phone in your backpack since you forgot to put your phone on silent that day and the class is beginning to get weirded out by your "Sexy Lady" ringtone?
C. Make 10-15 additional phone calls within a 1 hour block of time, leaving the same exact voicemail every time, resulting in a full voicemail box that keeps potential employers from leaving messages about interviews?
Question #2
After having no luck in the job market post-2007, you decide to go to graduate school as a way to make positive use of your free time while awaiting for the job market to improve. You figure, at least meanwhile you are improving your credentials and increasing your earning power down the line. Do your progenitors:
A. Applaud you for sacrificing immediate gratification of having a small income from a full-time job in an industry in which you had never intended to enter such as fast foods or retail for a greater, more financially stable and intellectually challenging career in the future?
B. Wonder why you aren't an accountant like cousin Raj even though you majored in the sciences?
C. Have no idea what graduate school is, the challenges it presents, and doors that it will open for you, but are still nagging you about focusing on career and a positive financial future. When you remind them of what you are doing, they will immediately forget all the details, including the name and location of your graduate school, and the nagging returns by the beginning of the following day?
Question #3
You casually mention to your parents that you are now lactose intolerant in passing one day. Nothing more is said about it, until months later, you go on a last minute trip to visit family across the country. Do they:
A. Wish you a safe trip and to come back home with a refreshed spirit to tackle the upcoming school year with full force?
B. Wonder why you chose to spend your free time with anybody else other than them even though you had just visited them for a week two months prior?
C. Accuse you of being completely irresponsible and having no direction in life and to add insult to injury, bombard you with inquiries of what you've been eating while you were away from home since "they worry" that you are lactose intolerant?
Question #4
After going through three stressful months of nothing but work, school, and sleep, you get an invitation to an anniversary party out of town thrown by a friend who you met while traveling overseas. After arranging transportation, you inform your progenitors out of sheer courtesy that you will be out of town for a friends anniversary celebration. Do your progenitors:
A. Say thanks for letting them know and ask you to pass on a congratulations to the hostess?
B. Worry that these supposed friends are bad influences, and try to convince you not to go?
C. Begin calling your phone incessantly, demand that you tell them the first and last names of everyone you will know there, the address at which you will be staying, and a detailed description of how you know these people and for how long. They spend the rest of the weekend staying up at night because they are upset that they haven't met this friend and therefore have no basis of passing judgment on them?
Question #5
You are called by your progenitors on Friday evening to see how you are doing. You inform them that you are at home knitting a pair of socks and watching TV as usual and plan on going to sleep by 10pm because you have to work and go to school early the next morning. They then call you on a Saturday night and you inform that you are the gym as you usually are those nights. Do they:
A. Beg you to go to a bar and have a beer to take the edge off and to also pull the dildo out of your ass?
B. Applaud you for leading a very low key life in order to focus on things they find are the most important?
C. Are extremely happy to see that your focus has been purely on school and a job you hate to boot and reward you by offering to let you fly home for a weekend to spend time with them?
Results:
Mostly As:
Hold off on the Fair and Lovely, your parents are most likely white. These types of parents encourage their children to have a well-rounded life and see them through with any challenges their children are facing.
Mostly Bs:
Your parents are most likely desi. They are overbearing and critical idiosyncratic of most desis, but in a way that is largely ignorable and/or forgettable.
Mostly Cs:
Desi-itis. See a mental health professional.
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