My Panty Drawer

Speaking of Victoria's Secret, & outside my supreme aspiration to one day to be a VS Angel (yea baby!), I was reminded of my extensive panty collection. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the proud owner of a panty drawer that would even make Carmen Electra squeal. Ok maybe not really, but at least make a middle-aged yuppie slightly jealous.

Now, I am the last person on God's green earth that would shell out more than a buck for a pair of cheekies. The thought of spending even a measly $2.50 on 10 cents worth of fabric makes me hyperventilate, if not fall into the floor in convulsions. (This explains why I always wear a helmet to the Victoria's Secret store.)

So, then, how did I manage to have over 20, yes 20, pairs of authentic VS lingerie under my belt, you ask? Easy, just sign up for their paper mailings. At first I regretted it and every time that annoying catalogue came in the mail, my extremely male roommate would rescue it from the recycling pile and stash it away in his bathroom. Let me just point out to all you men, you can't fool me. Don't try.

But then, I'd get something thicker in the mail, almost akin to cardboard. Curiosity would kill the cat, and I'd open up the envelope and voila, a $10 off coupon aka a "get out of jail for free card" if this were a game of monopoly. The first time I came across this phenomenon, my jaw dropped to the floor. Could this be? Can this be? I then proceeded to read the fine print in the back. There just has to be a minimum purchase of at least $150 or some kind of gimmick. But no! No gimmick! I see it as basically a $10 bill that is crumpled up into a card with girly patterns printed on it.

At this point, the easy part is over. It only involves checking the mail and gently opening an envelope with the dexterity of a cougar (not the cat). The second part, the actual retrieval of the panties, takes a little practice and more importantly, willfulness. I confess, the first time I did this, I stood before the thong-clad mannequins in the store front, rehearsing in my newest Bell brand bicycle helmet. Hand over the panty to the cashier, give her the card as if it were real cash, and walk away, I kept saying to myself.

I then marched in there, picked out a panty priced as close to the $10 mark as I could get it, and walked up to the cashier with my chest out and my back straight. I handed her the panty. She scanned the panty. It was $9.50. I gave her the $10 off card. She paused, looked straight into my eyes and said "Uhm... are you sure you don't want anything else?" Awkwaaaarrd. I took a deep breath. "No, just the FREE panty. Thanks." I was so proud of myself. I stood my ground. But then I pushed it. "Oh and also, are you going to give me 50 cents back being that that was a TEN DOLLAR card?". Her glare burned through my retinas. I heard the customers standing behind me give out a huge sigh. I took the walk of shame out of the store with my free panty.

Needless to say, I do not go to that particular store anymore. But I still continue to push poor Victoria's buttons by taking advantage of her free offers, all the while not spending a dime on her products. One thing is for sure, though. Her panties are sure a whole hell of a lot better than the Walmart brand I used to wear, which is strange because both are probably produced in the same South Korean sweatshop.