Who the hell is this guy fooling?

Found this one on craigslist:

Hello,

I am Venkat from India. I live near Tanasbourne Mall, Hillsboro. I am 29 years old. I am a Mechanical Engineer by Profession. I work in Portland Downtown next to PSU. I have a BS in Mechanical Engineering as well as Masters in Mechanical Engineering. I am tall, fair and good looking. I work for a very well reputed company and earn well.

My hobbies include cooking, workout, listening to good music, watching movies and hiking. I love travelling to the coast.

I have memberships at LA fitness and 24 hours. I like working out. I am a good cook and love to prepare and try different types of cuisines.

I am looking forward to meet a girl - go out for a coffee/lunch/dnner (I leave that to her) and hang out with her. I am not into LTR...But If I happen to find a girl who matches my wavelength, then I can think of moving onto a good and healthy relationship.

For the time being, I would like to spend time with her and know about each other and see how it progresses further.

I am real and genuine. I don't have time for people under false identity and trying to play pranks in craigslist. Only genuine and interested persons, contact me.

Best,

Venkat.

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Woa woa woa V-kat, red flags went up the moment you wrote "I am looking forward to meet a girl - go out for a coffee/lunch/dnner (I leave that to her)." Smooth. Man, if you're looking for a little afternoon delight then come right out and say it. What is up with this parenthetical coyness??? And wow, I have never met anyone that has TWO gym memberships. That is definitely something to keep on the resume. At least it shows that you enjoy wasting money.

Anyways, I see this type of thing too often. After many sleepless nights, I decided to do something. So I wrote him, and this is what I said:

Dear V-kat (Can I call you V-kat?),

I am not interested in having sex with you, but did see your ad and thought I'd give you a few pointers. Ok, more of a complete overhaul.

You did start off strong, with a nice concise summary of who you are in the first couple of paragraphs, though I find your membership at not one but TWO gyms a little overzealous. That is the type of thing that you'd probably want to mention on the first date (or according to you coffee/lunch/dnner) instead of in your ad. The key here is that you do not reveal too much in your ad so that there is some left over to talk about at coffee/lunch/dnner, and believe me, having TWO gym memberships is a great conversation starter!

Then your ad went 90 degrees downhill when you said "I am not into LTR...But If I happen to find a girl who matches my wavelength, then I can think of moving onto a good and healthy relationship." Who do you really think you're fooling? Seriously, V-kat. You are copping out even BEFORE you reel in the poor thing on that decrepit fishing line of yours! This is the type of thing you say AFTER the fact. You know, after you find that the sex was horrible.

Finally, people that outright say that they are "real and genuine" usually aren't. So cut the crap.

I repeat, I am not interested in any sexual activity with you. However, I am willing to work for you as your online dating consultant. I am offering you my services at $150/hr. and believe me, I WILL get a woman to sleep with you even if it means that I'd have to wrestle those panties off myself. This offer expires in 24 hrs.

Toodles,

Wing Woman

P.S. I write Facebook profiles too. Want to be a piano player? An all-star cricketer? A rocket scientist? You can be whoever and whatever you want to be after I'm finished filling out your Facebook info for you! Same rate applies.