Vegetarian Rebound

Hindus are the biggest fundamentalist vegetarians in the world. The strictest of the strict do not even eat eggs! I asked my grandmother, who has never even eaten a morsel of egg white in her life, about this recently. She said eggs smelled bad. I proceeded to smell an egg in the refrigerator. Smelled like nothing to me. Hmmm...

Yea well me and the male members of my family threw that whole vegetarian thing out the window a whole hell of a long time ago. We love the egg. We love the bacon. And yes, we love the beef the most. So it's not surprise that my brother, my father, and I opted to go get a fancy steak dinner the other night. But of course, as we were planning this fabulous and expensive dinner, we decided to keep the dear old sweet grandmother in the dark. After all, ignorance is bliss. So whenever we discussed the evening's plans, instead of just saying "steak" or "meat" we'd spell the words out.

Me: "Daddy, are you ready to eat some delicious S-T-E-A-K tonight?!
Dad: "Yes, I am craving M-E-A-T."
Amit: "Dude, I think grandma knows how to read English."

Turns out that my brother was right. She knew what we were talking about all along. God bless her soul and also my brother's, who has perfected the knowing but aloof aura about him over the years. After the whole Hindu "cow is our mother" speel from our grandmother, we just looked at each other and moved our pre-game to the car.

During pre-game, I passed out favor bags to my dad and my brother. There were toothpicks, dental floss, mouth spray, a couple tablespoons of Metamucil, and a napkin. Coming from a long lineage of vegetarians and not knowing jack about meat, we were all very nervous about our meat-eating etiquette, we quizzed each other and gave each other tips/encouragement before we walked into the restaurant.

Me: "Daddy, what do you think I should do if I get a piece of fat in my mouth and I keep chewing it."
Daddy: "I asked my co-worker this and she said that you just spit it out into a napkin while no one is looking."

Daddy: "Do you think I should take Metamucil before or after a steak dinner to ensure continued regularity the next day?"
Me: "I googled that. It said after would be better."

By the time we got to the restaurant parking lot, we were ready to fill our stomachs brim of red meat. We took our deep breaths and walked in.

Long story short, we ordered a 3 course meal. The steak was delicious. Blah blah blah. We did everything right and looked like meat-eating pros all the way through until the end when we whipped out our favor bags and started picking our teeth and mixing up our Metamucil at the table. We got stares from other tables. We just shrugged and kept doing it. Hey at least we were nice enough to not floss until we got into the car! My grandma would call that KARMA.