The Secrets of Weight Loss

As everyone probably already knows, there is no simple secret to weight loss. It is even surprising to myself that I lost weight recently, simply because comments in high school such as "Don't piss her off or else she'll sit on you" or the constant nagging of my family members, whom were quite concerned that my triple digit weight would relegate me to spinsterhood for the rest of my life, did not quite set me over the edge to starve myself or to turn to illegal narcotics as they had hoped.

But then it happened. I lost weight. Not like I reached double digits, as my family members were praying for, which would require some sort of Auschwitz-type imprisonment, but I lost it nonetheless. And here, I will share with you my secrets. However, I must warn you, though I am in no way an advocate of the use of illegal drugs, they may in fact be a healthier alternative to what I am about to reveal to you. Just a warning so here it goes.

1. Go extremely broke and give up your car to counteract the effects of living below the poverty line. Now you must be wondering, how would this have anything to do with losing weight? Easy. First of all, you end up walking or bicycling to your destination. That is a no brainer. But another weight-loss inducing repercussion that is not so obvious is the fact that getting hit on by the biggest losers known to man at bus stops will make you lose your appetite, if not make you vomit out a high-calorie breakfast. And there you have it, exercise and a low-calorie diet is almost seamlessly incorporated into your daily regimen.

2. Travel to a foreign country and force yourself to eat street food. This should not be that hard. Just pick a country whose cuisine mildly tantalizes your taste buds, buy a ticket to fly there, and indulge in the fabulous roadside dining, preferably meals consisting of unheated foods. My eyes are set out on Thailand the next time I travel because I believe the cuisine's profuse use of spices may mask the taste of rancid meats and vegetables that serves as the foundation of their roadside fare. Allow the traveler's diarrhea to take hold and refrain from use of medications such as Immodium as it will only set you back from achieving your weight loss goals.

3. Contract swine flu. Timing is everything here as well as location. Unfortunately, the virus is quite contained in the United States so this will have to be done in a foreign country as well. What I'd do is check with the CDC to figure where the latest swine flu hotspots are in the world, travel to that particular location and surround myself with sick people. Ideal locations to do this would be either the airport itself or the hospital. This should be done immediately after or at the tail end of recovering from the traveler's diarrhea. After you experience the excruciating muscle aches and 105 degree fever, make sure you weasel a box of Tamiflu from the local hospital. It should be free. The side effects of this anti-flu medication are... drum roll please... vomiting and diarrhea. After a 10 day period, in which the dark undereye circles from malnutrition will subside, you may return to the United States completely transformed.

The side effects of this method of weight loss will include the inability to eat milk products and large cuts of meat for the rest of your life as they will come out looking just like how they looked when they were taken in. Just a warning, but well worth the pain and misery of never eating delicious foods ever again. Hell, vegans do it all the time.

Happy weight losing!